Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
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It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
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I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...