Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you