I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Good thing I've started drinking again
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.