Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.