I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
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I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles