FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.