My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.