You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Do you remember whose house we're in?