He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
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I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.