My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?