Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
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Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.