Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
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In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm like, not good at living.