Texts From Last Night

Last Night in New York (716)

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  (716): View more from New York

  If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.

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  (716): If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship. http://tfl.nu/4ap0
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  it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.

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  (716): it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality. http://tfl.nu/d5wl
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  I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun

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  (716): I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun http://tfl.nu/488y
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  After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"

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  (716): After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous" http://tfl.nu/zxh1
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  Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.

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  (716): Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking. http://tfl.nu/rcur
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  please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.

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  (716): please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this. http://tfl.nu/hb6a
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  I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly

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  (716): I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly http://tfl.nu/23d8
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  I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.

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  (716): I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king. http://tfl.nu/29xr
  Replies (7) Good night (1185) Bad night (407)
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  That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information

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  (716): That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information http://tfl.nu/q7xv
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  he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."

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  (716): he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...." http://tfl.nu/2b45
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  Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf

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  (716): Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf http://tfl.nu/cswi
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  Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth

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  (716): Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth http://tfl.nu/he9m
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  Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?

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  (716): Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog? http://tfl.nu/399r
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  You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage

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  (716): You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage http://tfl.nu/tfgj
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  Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.

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  (716): Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly. http://tfl.nu/tse2
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