YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila