I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
last night I used snow as a chaser
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.