If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.