My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.