I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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