gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
