FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
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What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
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you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.