Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples