i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
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she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
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and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.