I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.