She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.