hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.