Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?