Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
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She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
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Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome