Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.