I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat