Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong