It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
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I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
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Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.