Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy