I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse