I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.