Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!