I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.