I am one with the molecules
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses