he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.