I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!