I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.