Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy