He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
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I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
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Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.