He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
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Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash