We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever