falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕