He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.