The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit