You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"