You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's