Texts From Last Night · Last Night in (512)

Last Night in Texas (512)

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We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.

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(512): We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents. http://tfl.nu/1dqy

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Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.

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(512): Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America. http://tfl.nu/xibs

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You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.

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(512): You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits. http://tfl.nu/ddql

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Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.

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(512): Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL. http://tfl.nu/149w

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Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.

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(512): Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference. http://tfl.nu/5ngp

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Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!

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Did she say Ok?

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(512): Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA! (1-512): Did she say Ok? http://tfl.nu/jji5

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I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.

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(512): I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight. http://tfl.nu/hr3p

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She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.

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(512): She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on. http://tfl.nu/lja4

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I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.

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(512): I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you. http://tfl.nu/ug9a

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I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.

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(512): I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out. http://tfl.nu/qokz

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Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me

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(512): Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me http://tfl.nu/ce08

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Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.

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(512): Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back. http://tfl.nu/xf8c

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Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.

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(512): Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery. http://tfl.nu/4491

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While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.

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(512): While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before. http://tfl.nu/erll

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I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?

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(512): I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high? http://tfl.nu/rga0

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Last Night in Texas (512)

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