I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.