We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting