I just gargled with NyQuil
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos