I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Two words: blizzard sex
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF