I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Two words: blizzard sex
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?