First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to