Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone