You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago