She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.