Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
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I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro