I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
No idea. I blame fireball.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?