I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I have fence marks all over my body
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want