I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
