I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year