I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
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I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
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Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage