did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
These 23 People Had Crazy Sex With Complete Strangers
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
23 Medical Examiners Reveal The Most Disturbing Causes Of Death They’ve Seen
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley