When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
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Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.