When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
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My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
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& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....