sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.