I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things