We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?