Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk