I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?