HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work