I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Dick very happy bro
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?