I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno