he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.