Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog