who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime