When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.