Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Colorado (303)

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  Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame

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  (303): Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame http://tfl.nu/4ytk
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  Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.

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  (303): Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash. http://tfl.nu/958z
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  that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment

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  (303): that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment http://tfl.nu/t2of
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  I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match

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  (303): I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match http://tfl.nu/tsdg
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  My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."

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  (303): My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..." http://tfl.nu/535j
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  So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"

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  (303): So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode" http://tfl.nu/uekw
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  Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.

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  (303): Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way. http://tfl.nu/uitb
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  We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool

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  We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern

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  (303): We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool (1-303): We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern http://tfl.nu/3irm
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  Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.

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  (303): Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now. http://tfl.nu/crnu
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  Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.

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  (303): Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride. http://tfl.nu/ugny
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  Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.

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  (303): Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package. http://tfl.nu/50h2
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  Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.

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  (303): Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair. http://tfl.nu/ft15
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  I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.

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  (303): I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes. http://tfl.nu/8g0z
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  My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.

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  (303): My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you. http://tfl.nu/ugo1
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  WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?

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  (303): WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING? http://tfl.nu/q4gt
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