Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.