Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.