He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house