I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!