the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
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I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.