Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.