i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman