So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
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finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
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Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect