So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
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finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
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Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.