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I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm just crazy horny about you
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
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