You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.