When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
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His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately