I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"