Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there