Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?