Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?